Just trying to catch up n end this chapter that I am trying to get out of my system. Moving back to where all my torment started has caused this to all re appear n feel I have to get out of my system. So I am going to try & finish and end it here.

I did go on to be diagnosed as having a break down by my GP - I was signed off work and had the mental Health team assess & support me as well as antidepressants for some years to come. I did not cope well with my support as everything was to far locked down to get out - to a stranger. I went on to continue my abbusive relationship & lost another baby this time through natural causes - but I blamed myself, punished myself even further & went onto have a second breakdown, but counciling therapy still did not help but I kept on with the antidepressants & anxiety therapy.

If it was not through the friends I gained through my employment & the support I got from them, I would never of got through my next chapter. I gained confidence through my employment & managed to get a promotion - even with everything that was happening to me. I got stronger in myself - still struggled with my losses, but started to see the world just that little bit differently. I started to go out with my new wonderful friends & started to have a life that I should of had years ago. Which made a big impact to my relationship it made the abuse worse - but I started to talk about it & the things that had happened to me to my closest friends that I had gained. After one very bad night with my partner I saw the light - I phoned my friend & my dad and got out. The next day with the help of two friends I moved all my stuff out back home to my parents. The weight of my shoulders was lifted & the emotions all came flooding out for weeks after.  But I flet better, scared but free - relieved, i was now back in control of me.

I went onto move in with my best freind & we spent 18 months together working together n basically had the best time been girly n catching up on years we had both missed due to being in relationships from a young age. As she had been in a relationship from school n we were both in similar but different situations. I went onto to be one of the best in the company I worked for & grew through going back to college. The only thing that still kept haunting me the most was the babies I lost & seeing my nephew grow up. My relationship got stronger with my parents but I was still unwilling to talk to them about things that had happened. I came off antideppresants & my anxiety counciling came to an end. I was still dabbling in drugs but not liked I was in my previous relationship, I was still blocking my issues with myself. My husband now worked with me for two years watching me go through everything n was interested for the whole time before he approached me. I never knew till it came to the end of my previous relationship that everyone knew & was worried. You really believe you can hide it & act normal - but it seeps out of you. The support I got was amazing & just what I needed. And when my husband approached me was the right time. I have to end it there so I can begin to blogg normally n close this book n begin my IVA chapter of m life & hope I have not bored or upset anyone - thanks for reading xxxxxx

Looking back at myself growing up, I always had a low opinion of myself from being really little. My Sister whom is 10 years older than me was a star A+ student, popular & made my parents very proud. For me I had learning difficulties through glue ear being detected very late in my school years, I am also left handed - which back then was “unusual”! Before my hearing problems had been found I was thought of as a backwards. What might not of helped is when I was learning to write, I wrote all my letters backwards that if you put it to a mirror you could read it perfectly. If it was not for my parents fighting with the school & doctors - I don’t know where I would be today. There was one point when my Dad said “as long as she learns to read & write that’s all that matters. Along with my problems & the bullying it lead to me living a very unhappy school life. I was the girl at school whom sat in the corner & was always last to be picked in sport activities. I loved Fridays & was a nervous wreck every Sunday. I lived for the holidays & stayed at home as much as I could. I spent my Secondary School years pretty much the same - but luckily found my best friend, whom I am now back intouch with now. And I became a part in a  small group of friends. I buried my head down in school work caught up with the years I missed. Spent holidays & nights at home or my best friends house & was the perfect daughter. Leaving school & hitting college was the wrong turn for me. The bullies that had been with me from primary school finally found better things to do. Being niave & unworldly, I fell in with the wrong crowd & my best friend abandoned me - leaving me very lost, but I don’t blame her & never did. I started staying out all night, drinking & not turning up for college - for which I got thrown out.

My parents went beside themselves with worry & I stressed them out completley. Dad was very strict with us growing up - when my sister had boyfriends even at the age of 18, they were made to stand out side the house & wait, they where never allowed in. I was lectured & shouted at - but being 17 & very niave I thought I knew everything. The last words my Dad said to me when I first left home was “you’ll end up pregnant & on your own - don’t coming running back here if you do”. I didnt see or speak to them for months & went to live with my first boyfriend, which is when I got involved with drugs. I had started a NVQ level 2 & completed it, but got thrown off that within 10 months & ended up on Job Seekers Allowance.

My parents being the parents they where & still are - soon tracked me down & wanted me to visit them, I soon started to mend bridges with them though they where extremely hurt by what I had done. By that point I felt I could not go back & was guilt ridden for what I had put them through. This was also when they told me the truth about my mum & her MS, they had kept it from me growing up. I never really had a bridge to mend with my sister as the age gap between us lead us to be very distant & she left home when I was 10. I never told them about the drugs & they never found out. After finding out about my Mums MS I had decided to make the decision to never worry them again. So I lead my life with the boyfriend, drugs & the dole and did my best to appear happy & coping when I was in front of my parents.

Just before my 19th Birthday I found out I was pregnant, my wholeworld crashed around me. My boyfriend was heavily into drugs by then & the relationship had started to get abusive & I was desperatly trying to get a job. I was terrified & had no one to turn too. The relationship with my parents was still rocky & my Dads words were ringing in my head. So my boyfriend went to his Mum & told her whom promptly told him to tell me to get rid of it. I was heart broken, but in no situation to bring a child into the world & he made it very clear he did not want it. Reluctantly I had a termination & I have had to live with that every day of my life since. A few weeks after, I put on brave happy face went to pay a visit to my parents. They sat me down & told me they had some news, my sister was pregnant. I broke down the minute they said it & immediatly became concerned as to why. I fobbed it off n just said I was happy for her & listened to them chatting about it. I went home a complete mess to my drugged up boyfriend whom had no sympathy what so ever. How could I tell them now? All my regrets, feelings of loss & sorrow had to be buried & I had to be normal. I turned back to the drugs & my small habit became alot bigger, trying to forget, trying to forgive myself, trying to stop the depression that took over me for some time to come. I found it hard to be a part of my sisters life during her pregnancy, but it didnt make that much difference to her as we have never been close. My parents where the ones I had to listen too, as the “Daddy” did not want to know & my sister doing so well at school landed herself a excellent job after college & went onto have a brilliant successful career. So my parents in there retirment by this point - where going to look after “baby” so my sister could continue in her employment. I felt very distant from them all, maybe I had to be. I was a mess, but I hid from it with drugs - but still strived to get a job which I did eventually. I did one of those job club things & worked for an employeer for free for 2 months before being offered employment. I did really well joined a nice team of people & progressed to assistant team leader. Getting full time employment actually made me worse off - I lost all my benefits & was expected to look after the boyfriend financially. Well when his drugs started to run short & I had to spend everything I earnt on bills - a friend of his finally came forward & got him a job in Halfords. The abuse eased & I thought things were starting to look up & maybe this would make him change. He got the job which was part time, which was better than nothing. I worked hard in my job doing around 60 hours a week & finally my nephew was born. I went to see him in hospital & got to hold him when he got home. Which broke me again, and my regret & sorrow poured out - had I not done what I did, It could of been me holding my baby too. A few weeks later after a really stressful week at work where I had done 74 hours, I finally had a breakdown.

Goodness it has taken me ages to get this started! and I don’t know where to start, So I am going to start with what I feel made me end up in debt - Bear with me if I waffle a bit!

I grew up in a working class family whom never had any for of debt, credit card or loan - everything was always in cash or cheque. My parents worked hard for the money they earned & back in the 1970s they sold their business due to my Mum having Multiple Schlrosis & managed to buy their home out right - with out a mortgage.

I had a great child hood at home, we never had holidays other than those spent on the beach which was just down the road from our house. I grew up in a “posh” area at the time but we did not lead a luxury lifestyle as those that did around us. Mum managed a little part time job in the post office, which kept her going through her difficulties & she liked to earn her share, or some of it. Dad bought a taxi license plate & was lead to believe it would be a good earner. Which years down the line it was not - far from it, He spent 17 years in the trade & only just scrapped by - without any form of credit.

It was hard growing up in a area where everyone had everything & only started to affect me when I got a bit older in primary school. I was bullied for the jobs my parents had & for the clothes I wore - which seemed just mad to me at the time & still does now. I had other problems growing up, I was a poorly child & was in & out of hospital & off school for various of things & got very behind. And when God was handing out noses - I got dealt a bad hand & was bullied for the way I looked from the age of 4-5 & I still get some nasty comments now.  When I hit Secondary school it got worse not just with the way I looked, but I still got bullied for my clothes or shoes & the jobs my parents had. Living in a Posh area at the time - ment going to the “top” school & with kids that had everything they wanted. If me or my sister ever wanted anything - you had to wait to see if santa brought it at the end of the year. Going to Tescos for your trainers - was not cool, but it was fine for me - but not those around me. I spent my school years very lonely & only found my best friend when I was 14. I was so happy at home & Mum & Dad made everything the best it could possibly be & I wouldnt change anything - apart from the bullying. I did ok at school & started College - which is were everything went wrong. All the pressure of school & the bullying & tormenting took its toll on me & I flipped. I went from being the perfect daughter/student to a nightmare - what I put my parents through they just did not deserve. I ended up not completing college, leaving home to live with my 1st boyfriend, whom I spent nearly 6 years with. I was on the dole as it was called at the time along with my boyfriend, but I soon got fed up of no money & got a job within a year of being unemployed. I did well in my employment & started to sort my self out - but the relationship I was in had become abusive within the first two years. In my year of not working I got involved with drugs - not the hard ones, but my boy friend got addicted. I went to work & he didnt. Within the relationship I lost 2 babies & had a break down - If it wasn’t for my wonderful supportive parents, employers & friends I gained through my job, I would not be here now.

When I finally opened my eyes to the relationship I was in - I got out with the help of my very understanding parents & friends through my job, whom are all still my wonderful friends now. I moved all my stuff out & moved home for a few weeks before moving in with my best friend & collegue from work.  This is when the “party ” started.

The relief to be out of the abusive relationship & free & happy in my job & finding true friends whom accepted me was over welming. Then along comes a credit card!!! And at the time it seemed that being in debt was a part of life & everyone was in debt. Now I had had this credit card for a couple of years & never spent on it - I was afraid of it, Wish I had stayed afraid! But all the years of bullying & abusive & not being “in” with the crowd - my shopping addiction started & my addiction to credit also began. Looking back it was all to easy to get credit - every shop wanted you to have one - even the supermarkets.

I shall continue my story tomorrow - I hope you have not found this to boring! - Lyns